I came to this realization this week when it was Monday of my dog and house sitting week, and I was already wishing it were Saturday. Not because of the house-sitting part; I actually don't mind the cleaning and maintenance and the broken shower in the bathroom or anything else like that. What I don't like is the dogs. We have two of them, and they're approximately two halves of one idiot. And that's putting it nicely. Our female dog actually functions at a mental capacity that's somewhere between a lemming and an aluminum bucket. Which really isn't fair to the lemming. Their names are Scottie and Tillie, and they're Tibetan Spaniels. We got them from a breeder, and they have pedigrees and paperwork and thick contracts we had to sign agreeing that we would/would not do certain things to them. A common misconception with dogs, I gather, is that pure-bred breeder dogs are typically better, smarter dogs than your common ASPCA mutt. Well, after living with Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Bitch for these past few years, I can safely put that myth in the busted pile because it's a load of crap.
Scottie is a small black and white dog with an attitude problem that could rival most rebellious teenagers. We've never gotten along because he's been convinced that he's alpha over me since day one, and our relationship has never improved. We're not friends, and neither of us is willing to remedy that. It's not for lack of trying, mind you. I taught the little ass over half the tricks he knows, and we still hate each other. He's also got an irritating habit of claiming ownership of the house anytime my dad leaves for a while by crapping all over the place. Though, as long as we've been at war, he isn't the major problem.
Tillie is a blonde creature that was once a small dog. She's about 35 pounds of brainless dog fat (or more), and that's saying something for a dog that stands not even a foot off the ground. I'm fairly sure I've seen seagulls with more brain power than this dog. Unlike Scottie, she's impossible to train because she's just too stupid to understand basic commands. I'm fairly convinced she doesn't even know her own name. If you call Tillie she'll come, but she'll also come to "Scottie," "Dumb," any of the cats' names, and "Turkey Sandwich." I know this because I've tested all of them. Her special quirks include barking loudly and incessantly at everyone who walks in through the door (including people she already knows well) and somehow managing to give herself dreadlocks in her tail and her stomach fur.
Now, to be clear, I've never understood the logical reasoning behind owning a dog for a pet. Any dog lover will be quick to tell you that dogs are as intelligent as human children. They understand a small vocabulary of commands and function at a mental level which is similar to a three-year-old. From one standpoint, I suppose, this is kind of impressive to them. I mean, humans are technically the most intelligent beings on the planet. But then you have to look at it from the "did you listen to what you just said?" standpoint. Dogs are like three-year-olds. Perpetual three-year-olds. That live for about twelve to fourteen years or more. As three-year-olds. Have you ever lived with a three-year-old? Most people have, but in case you haven't, let me break down exactly what that entails. You have a small, noisy, messy creature who understands roughly a fourth of what you say, tends to ignore the commands it does understand, gets into everything, eats everything, and generally makes your life revolve around making sure it doesn't find some new and creative way to kill itself. It's almost like dogs and human children are programmed to be self-destructive and suicidal. The primary differences between the two is that a dog probably won't cause a screaming tantrum scene in the middle of Walmart or make the other passengers want to hijack the plane you're sharing and toss them out of the emergency exit just so they can stop the crying. Also, it tends not to be such a big deal if dogs eat Christmas tinsel as opposed to the child eating it.
As I write all this, I can already hear the dog lovers charging in to defend their beloved brainless beasts. "But you're just biased!" They'll say. "Dogs are so much smarter than that! You can teach them to do so many things, and they'll protect the family, and they're just so ADOWABLE!"
Yep. I'm biased because I hate dogs. You know who else is biased? People who love dogs. Why? Because they will willingly invite a halfwit creature who does nothing but make unnecessary noise, cause property damage, generate unbelievable amounts of crap and piss, add hundreds of dollars in food and vet bills to the family financial burden, and shed mountains of fur, into their homes. And why? Because dogs love their owners and they're adorable and fun to play with.
So let's weigh the pros and cons of this arrangement, shall we?
Cons: Stupid creature, noisy, breaks things, craps and pees everywhere (yard or house, doesn't matter, you still have to deal with it), expensive to maintain, makes your house look and smell like a wreck.
Pros: They're fun and cute.
You know what else is loyal, adorable and fun to play with and teach tricks to? A Tamagotchi. A plastic handheld egg with a screen and a little digital pet inside. And when the Tamagotchi craps on the floor, you can clean it with the press of a button and then beat it mercilessly to punish it and nobody calls the police. When it makes too much noise, you can mute it. And when it gets old and it isn't fun anymore and you want a new one, you don't have to wait around and watch the old one degrade slowly until it's a crippled sack of fur and bones that's just miserably waiting to die. You just take a needle and poke the reset button. Voila, new Tamagotchi.
Now, I'm sure the question on everyone's mind is, "So you're a cat person, then?" And the answer is yes. My cat is the only animal I have ever felt any kind of attachment to, and I love her to death. And I know. Dog lovers will argue with me until the cows come home about whether cats or dogs are smarter. And you know what? I don't care. Scientifically, dogs and cats are of a fairly similar intelligence. So similar in fact that it's not worth distinguishing between the two. However, I will say this: I have never seen my cat take off running at full speed, snarling and growling, to slam head-first into the door so hard the walls shake, just because the mailman put something in the slot. But I have seen the dog do that. And I have never seen my cat sit and rip chunks of its own fur out until it had a massive mangy bald spot on its butt. But I have seen the dog do that. Just sayin'.
I honestly think that, in preparation for owning a dog, somebody should modify a Roomba-type robot to wander aimlessly, replay the same three barking sounds over and over again incessantly, pause every now and then to leave puddles of some foul liquid or goo on the ground, leave a trail of fur as it motors around, and generate the oh-so-lovely odor of stinky dog so that it clings to every surface and piece of furniture in the house. And if the would-be owners can endure that for a few weeks without shutting the robot off or getting rid of it, they'll have a better understanding of what it's really like to own a dog.
And as for the people shouting "You can't just base all dogs on your experience because it depends on the breed of dog!" Okay. Fine. Show me a breed of dog that doesn't smell, bark, shed, drool, lick, slobber, eat, crap, urinate, dig, or require shots or vet bills, and I'll show you a potted plant.
Ultimately, if you're planning to get a pet, here's some advice. It's the 21st century. We have advanced technology now. There is literally no reason you should feel compelled to purchase and own an animal. So get an iPod app. Seriously. It's all the joy of owning a pet with none of the cleanup, house destruction, feces or foul odors. And when you leave to go someplace, you don't need to hire a dogsitter. Just close the app. If you're really deadset on getting a real physical pet though, I would suggest a pet rock. It's been a thing for years. Nobody's going to judge you. I promise.
-The Sarcastic Soul-
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