The Grunting Gym Mirror Addict - Barbarian.
There are many, many reasons I could list to explain why I don’t go to the gym. I mean, I live on a college campus. I have a student ID. I get into the damn thing for free and I have full access. But there are so many reasons why I’d rather spend an hour slamming my head in a door that I can hardly count them. One of the foremost reasons is because I am a short, skinny white kid who probably has no idea how three fourths of the machines in that gym function. (I stick to the rock wall. It’s easy enough to figure out how that works, and at least I don’t embarrass myself there.) Another primary reason, however, is this guy. The guy who never leaves the weight area, but makes extra sure that nobody forgets he’s there. I honestly don’t understand why every gym has to have at least one of these types, but at the same time, I kind of do. I mean, what’s the purpose of maintaining a body that screams “I probably drive a big truck and think I’m better than you” if you can’t use it to demoralize all the unfit losers who are trying to use the gym to better their own lives? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being fit. And there’s nothing wrong with being fit and being strong. Any guy who says he doesn’t want visible abs at least a little bit is probably lying. But I’m talking about the kind of guy who probably consumes nothing but protein shakes, supplements and children so he can go to the gym and grunt at his reflection. Loudly. Listen, guy. Nobody cares. I totally understand that if I slighted you, you could probably break my spine. But I’ll be the one laughing when you can’t reach to scratch your own head.
The Class Clown - Bard.
Everybody knows this guy. This is the guy who always has some witty, comical and ultimately derailing comment to make about almost everything that comes out of his professor’s mouth. It’s nearly impossible to go a semester without at least one of them unless your major is incredibly boring and full of incredibly boring people. Always going out of their way to be the center of attention (when it isn’t going to get them in trouble, usually) these kinds of people adore the spotlight. I am that guy. Here’s an example. In my creative writing class this semester, one of my classmates wrote a short fiction piece that had their character waking up with a head injury in the middle of the school’s body farm, and no clue how they got there. In case you don’t know what a body farm is, it’s a secluded tract of land where rotting corpses of real human beings are left out in various conditions, positions and containers so that criminal justice and forensic analysis students can study how the body decomposes in different ways. It’s a place where therapy will never make you okay again. So anyway, my professor was fascinated by this story and had us all do a spontaneous activity where we closed our eyes and imagined that we had just woken up. We were in a forest with no idea how we came to be there or where exactly we were, and the first thing we see is a rotting human corpse. “Now what is the first thing that comes to your mind?” she asked. Without missing a beat, I immediately answered “I’m a werewolf.” Class derailed. Laughter ensued. Everybody. Knows that guy.
Campus Evangelist / Christian Frat/Sorority Recruiter - Cleric.
In every semester I’ve suffered thr- erm, attended, I’ve met at least one of these people. Now, bear in mind when I say “Campus Evangelist,” I am in fact not referring to that guy who shows up in robes with a plywood cross affixed to the top of a curtain rod who loudly informs everyone that they’re all going to hell. Nobody likes that guy. If there were a D&D class called “Shouty Obnoxious Asshole,” sure. He’d make the list. That class would probably include features like a 60 foot Aura of Projected Embarrassment, and the “Summon Unintimidating Bodyguard” spell. Basically conjures a dude in a cheap suit with sunglasses and a King James version who’s programmed to nod stoically every few words or so. But no, I’m not talking about that guy. I’m talking about that person who’s absolutely convinced you don’t have enough Jesus in your life today. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m a Christian, and I’ll state that proudly and firmly. But I’m also of the mindset that not every single sentence that comes out of my mouth has to be about my faith, or the apparent lack thereof in the person I’m conversing with. These are the people you don’t want to be Facebook friends with because they’ll make damn sure you never see what your friends are up to, because they’re too busy transcribing the book of Psalms verse by verse in their status updates every ten minutes. That is, unless they’re pausing to become a fan of Jesus, which will end up in your feed as well. They’re also usually blessed with an uncanny lack of a sense of humor, killing all of your own humorous statuses with the precision of a sniper using scripture for ammunition.
The Pothead/NORML Representative - Druid.
The population of (real) hippies and flower children may have dwindled to near extinction since the seventies, but one thing that definitely hasn’t is pot. You would honestly think that in a town with a state university that focuses primarily on criminal justice, and where almost every third citizen either is or knows a cop, the weed usage would be a little less… everywhere. But it isn’t. While most potheads are smart enough to keep it relatively discreet, there’s always that one dude who wakes up, gets stoned and then comes to class. They’re easily recognizable by their vacant stare, inability to answer any question (or sometimes even speak) and, if the class is after lunch, the five Chic-Fil-A chicken sandwiches they arrive at class with. While moderately irritating to some professors, I personally find them somewhat amusing. Maybe that’s just my bitter, cynical side enjoying the impending failure of yet another idiot (even if they really don’t care). The really annoying ones, however, are the NORML crowd. NORML, or the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws, has found a comfortable home on college campuses. Especially those at state universities where the vast majority of the student body is only there because mommy and daddy told them to, and would rather be doing literally anything that isn’t productive. The NORML guys, however, are predominately vocal about their affiliation, and will take any opportunity to talk to you about it. No matter how much you don’t care. And no matter how much you clearly state that you don’t care. And no matter how often you interrupt them to restate that you don’t care. And no matter if you ask them if they’re high right now, and you could have fooled me, and I’m not signing your stupid petition, and no I’m not joining your damned group, and I don’t care if I get a free t-shirt will you PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE YOU POTHEAD CRETIN I HAVE A CLASS TO GET TO.
Idiot Japanophile - Monk
These guys have been around since high school for most of us, and they’ll probably carry on into adulthood until they realize that nobody takes them seriously and they have no friends. I’ve intentionally forgone adding Fighter as its own archetype here because the weeaboo community sort of makes up for both. College is a time of (relative) freedom for people in this country. A lot of people get tattoos, or drive tricked out cars, or dye their hair. Other people wear fox tails, ridiculous leather outfits and claim to have mastered martial arts styles which I’m fairly sure don’t exist. From what I’ve observed, there are three types of weeaboo skulking around my college campus. Firstly, there’s the fighty guy. This is the guy who probably goes home after class every day to binge on way too much Naruto. He probably owns at least one katana, claims to know multiple styles of martial arts, and will aggressively argue with you until the cows come home whether the last season of Bleach was better than your favorite movie or sitcom. They tend to attempt to emulate the stoic, uncaring nature of their favorite anime badass and usually end up coming across as extremely creepy because of it. Second, there’s the sage. This is the guy who’s like a walking fortune cookie. He likes to think he’s wise and knowledgeable because he can rattle off trite, blathering prattle that he thinks sounds like Asian proverbs. Here’s a hint. Google any one piece of proverb-esque advice he gives you, and it’ll probably come up as an inner monologue line from some obscure, poorly translated anime series. Lastly, there’s the full-out weeaboo. These idiots have usually completely lost touch with reality. They’re the guys wearing collections of faux fox tails on the backs of their pants. They probably speak mangled Japanese, definitely own more than one katana, and think that pulling a lower eyelid down while sticking their tongue out is going to insult you somehow. Dude. For the last time, your name isn’t Yushimaro. It’s Carl. And if you tack the word “san” on to my name one more time I’m going to beat you. If you’re that obsessed with being Japanese, you should probably look into what real Japanese warriors had to do with their katana collections when their fathers hated them.
Teacher’s Pet - Paladin
You know that person who sits in the front row of every class, always seems eerily into whatever is being taught, and always has the right answer? That person who’s always just a little bit too eager to helpfully remind people they shouldn’t be texting in class? You would think that the desire to win every teacher’s affection would have died off around maybe middle school, but evidently it persists. And it’s only downhill from there. Found most commonly in groups of freshmen who haven’t yet been spirit-broken and corrupted by the college world, these types tend to get along more with professors and faculty members than other students. Fortunately, these delusions only last until around the end of their second year when they suddenly realize that they have very few friends, and competing for the professor’s affection is pointless because literally nobody else is trying.
Health Nut/Outdoorsman - Ranger
While grunty annoying gym guy can be extremely irritating, he’s not the only type who turns physical fitness or healthy lifestyles into a thorn in my side. The health nut or outdoorsy types can be equally as frustrating to be around, but for entirely different reasons. These are the types of people you frequently see jogging the nature trails in the local park, or hanging around the sign-up sheet for the upcoming rock-climbing trip. They eat, live and look so healthy that you’d swear they weren’t actually in college or taking any classes. While they aren’t the grunty narcissistic kind of annoying that grunty gym mirror guy is, they have an uncanny ability to effortlessly make you feel terrible about the way you live your life. While you’re living in a small dark space surrounded by clutter with a kitchen full of frozen meals and starch, this dude probably lives on trail mix and organic powdered essence of healthy lifestyle. While you get most of your social interaction through the internet and the occasional trading card tournament at the card shop down the road, that guy probably strums a chord on his campy guitar and summons his woodland animal friends to lead him off to the nearest gathering of hot girls who think he’s the most sensitive, amazing guy ever. Screw that guy.
The Cheater/Walking Blackmarket - Rogue
The punishments and consequences of academic dishonesty have always been fairly strong, but they’re only getting stronger as the years go by. To even think about cheating, you have to be a complete and total idiot or self-destructively desperate. Or, you have to be this guy. The perfect balance of resourceful, bold and lazy, every campus has at least one of these types. Whether it’s plagiarizing an essay, reusing old projects from past classes or just flat out sneaking a study guide into the exam, these are the types who somehow manage to get away with it. Before the final banning of the use of cell phones as calculators, I had a math class with a guy who spent the entire semester using his iphone for one. After the final exam which I ultimately failed horribly, he informed me that the “calculator app” he’d been using all semester was actually an app for a universal math problem solver which showed work and everything. He aced the class. Another side of this type is the guy who hangs around on test day with a backpack full of scantrons and bluebooks to sell for an unreasonable fee. In almost every class, at almost every level of college, there is always a group of students who are unpleasantly surprised to learn that they have an exam today. And where those people are, the rogue is there to sell them overpriced scantrons at upwards of a dollar fifty apiece. And even though on any other day they’d rage at paying the price of two packages for one sheet, a desperate student and his money are easily parted on exam day.
Mister Serendipity Himself - Sorcerer.
So it’s the first day of class, and you’ve just met a person who seems pretty awesome to you. Funny, charismatic, great conversationalist, attractive. Pretty cool person, right? Watch that person. Because throughout the remainder of the semester, you will watch him sleep or goof off in every class he doesn’t skip, do a grand total of zero studying, and still somehow manage to pass the class with a better grade than yours. How? I don’t even think he knows. He’s just that guy. He’s just naturally good at whatever he picks up, and hardly has to put any effort into anything to achieve results which are probably better than what you got after two weeks of study or practice or whatever. And you know that girl you’ve been hitting on for months? The one who’s been flirting back and you’re planning to ask out this weekend? Yeah, he just noticed her, so you can pack it in and walk home because you’re done there. She’ll choose him every time, and most of the time she can’t even explain why. He’s like a vampire, except he probably doesn’t kill people and he doesn’t have to supernaturally hypnotize women to make them love him. …So he’s like a Twilight vampire. So he’s really not like a vampire at all.
The Bookworm / 4.0 Student - Wizard
For some people, it doesn’t all come easy. For some people, every accomplishment takes work, focus, determination and lots of study. I have one of these in almost every class, not just one every semester or so. These types of people follow a path in college I can’t even fathom. They have a neurotic, obsessive NEED to maintain a flawless 4.0 GPA or their entire world will melt down. Frequently perfectionist types (or just people who have chosen to pursue an extremely competitive or narrow job field) these people study harder and longer than anyone else around them. They pull off miracle A’s in classes I struggled for B’s in, and they still somehow find time to be social and not go insane during the process. They’re the people who know the entire syllabus for every class, the entire schedule (and all the updated and changed ones afterwards) by heart, they keep their every single action of every day in a planner and they seem to be succeeding at a plate-spinning act which would make circus performers gawk. That might be because most circus performers never went to college, but that’s just a minor technicality. I honestly envy these people for their drive, but I can’t imagine pouring so much effort into every single class for a perfect 4.0 every semester. I find it difficult enough to put that much effort into a couple of classes, much less all of them. And it’s not even because I don’t care or I don’t try hard enough. It’s absolutely baffling. As I’ve found, however, these people are some of the most fun to pick on. Here’s a little experiment for you college people to try out. Anytime you have a class in a big auditorium, and you know one of the people around you is one of these neurotic types, walk into class on any random day and slap a scantron and a pencil down on your desk. You’ll likely get worried murmers from people around you and other people starting to pull out scantrons as well, and when 4.0 or Bust notices what’s going on, be prepared for a psychotic break. Make sure you call the joke off before they hurt themselves, though.
Excellent!
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