My upstairs neighbor has a very old bed with aging wooden slats, loose joints and an old box-spring mattress. How do I have such an intimate hypothetical knowledge of what this person’s bed is like? Because my upstairs neighbor has girlfriend or wife, and a hobby. And that hobby is to see how vigorously and borderline violently they can engage in certain bedroom activities. Very. Very. Frequently. And unfortunately for me, his bedroom is situated just above my living room.
Now, I’ve watched enough trashy daytime talk shows and Dr. Phil-type televised carnival freakshows to know that according to most people, a healthy sex life is key to a functioning, happy relationship. And I can respect that. But honestly, when it gets to the point where their leisure activities are more annoying to me than my beer-guzzling Broheim of a next-door neighbor’s rave music, there’s a problem. The only thing I have to be really thankful for is that my ceiling is evidently thick enough that I only get the creaking, and none of the “vocalizations” if there are any. (There probably aren’t any.) Though, quite honestly, given the amount of noise coming from that bed, I can’t be entirely sure he isn’t just stomping his mattress or vigorously practicing CPR.
However! As my therapists have told me I should try to do in potentially irritating situations, I’m trying my best to make the best of it. So recently I’ve begun developing a series of little games I like to call “Super Considerate Upstairs Neighbor Happy Fun Time Challenges.” Also, in case you didn’t pick it up innately, there is so much sarcasm dripping from that name that you could probably drown someone in it. Basically the way this works is, every time they decide it’s time to punish that poor mattress for existing, I try to complete a timed or score-based challenge before they finish. Probably not the most original idea ever, but it’s entertaining enough.
Here are a few of my Super Considerate Upstairs Neighbor Happy Fun Time Challenge games I’ve come up with so far:
Nerf Gun Shooting Gallery! The point of this game is fairly straight-forward. As soon I hear their bed start crying in agony, I grab my Nerf gun off the couch and quickly set up a series of targets (mostly empty Dr. Pepper cans) in various locations around my apartment. Using three clips of ammunition, each clip holding five darts, I try to see how many times I can take out all fifteen cans, reload all the darts into the clips, reset the targets and repeat the process before it ends. My record so far is about five. It probably would have been better, but I lost one of my darts and had to spend a long time looking for it.
Saints Row the Third Pedestrian Hunt! In this challenge, I load up my Saints Row the Third game on my Xbox and try to kill as many innocent civilians as I can before they’re finished. I honestly don’t have a high score memorized for this one because I typically lose count when I start using the chainsaw.
YouTube Comments Argument Challenge! In this super productive challenge, I use a mule YouTube account and head on over to any video containing religion, politics or someone’s favorite trashy song and try to stir up as much YouTube troll rage as I possibly can. I haven’t actually come up with a scoring system for this one yet, but it still counts. Popular strategies in this game consist of usage of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, trolling atheists, asserting that the content of the video is “fake and/or gay” and of course, claiming that a nonexistent indie band’s electronica remix of their favorite power ballad is so much better than the original.
Account Banning! In this thrilling event the goal is to log into a popular site such as Neopets and hit the forums to see how many accounts you can get banned by the site’s auto-filter bot before the end of the glorified death-throes from the upstairs apartment. Unfortunately, as I’ve learned, Neopets is a bit of a spoil-sport for this one because they force new accounts to wait for 24 hours before they’re allowed to post anything in the forums. What they don’t prevent, however, is the creation of large amounts of mule accounts in preparation for this event which are all cataloged in an Excel document by password and associated email address for quick logins. It’s not the most time-efficient challenge, but it’s entertaining none the less.
Random Object Roof Pong! In this fun and interactive challenge, the goal is to throw, jab or slam increasingly large and disruptive objects against the ceiling to see exactly how far you can go before they pause for the sound. Start with something like a pen or a marble, and slowly progress to things like broom handles, beanbags, books, empty 2-liter soda bottles, filled 2-liter soda bottles, miscellaneous plastic items and more. It’s important to note that if you’re planning to play this particular game, I’d advise you to first lock your door, close your blinds and turn all of your lights off in case they come downstairs to ask what the hell you’re doing. In the event that this actually happens, simply creep to the back of the apartment and sit silently until they go away.
And finally, Mood-Killer Music Roulette! Many people use music to help set the mood when planning to torture their mattresses. In this challenge, you do exactly the opposite by creating Pandora radio stations to try for the most mood-killing music you can think of. While soft rock, smooth jazz or The Fray might be easy or pleasant to make love to, I would imagine that death metal, hardcore screamo and the soundtrack to the children’s show Yo Gabba Gabba might be slightly more off-putting. When you find a track you think is good enough to do the trick, blast that noise as loudly as you can until the squeaking stops. This method also encourages the aforementioned precautions of keeping the lights off, door locked and blinds closed. It’s also important to note how many noise violations your complex allows before you get into trouble.
I’m sure I’ll come up with more of these in the future, because I don’t forsee an end to this cycle anytime soon, but for now I’ll make the best of what I’ve got. My therapists would be proud.
-The Sarcastic Soul-
No comments:
Post a Comment