How to Survive a Trip to H-E-B, by The Sarcastic Soul.
It begins with the initiative. This will be arguably one of the more difficult issues you will face in this endeavor. You’ll likely look at the clock, see that the store closes in two hours, and figure that rather than give yourself thirty more minutes to do literally anything that isn’t grocery shopping, you’ll go grocery shopping and get it over with. Assuming that you’ve managed to remember to unhook your battery from your car (whose obvious alternator problems you’ve been pretending not to notice) and it actually manages to start, you’re on your way to what will assuredly be a memorable evening.
When you arrive at the store, especially if it is either of the two aforementioned locations, you will be faced with your first real challenge: the parking lot. You will eventually come to accept as fact that no matter how obvious or simple it may seem to you, no grocery shopper in the world knows exactly how a parking lot works. You will of course possess what seems to you should be common knowledge that when turning into a single lane in a parking lot, one should first make sure that the cars are parked in a way that their rear ends are facing your front end. This should assure you that when it comes time to park, you must merely make a slight turn and coast comfortably into your chosen spot. However, the rest of the world’s shopping population of soccer moms, cell-phone users and men driving trucks they’ve taken every precaution to make sure is bigger than what you’re driving have all inevitably failed to grasp this concept. And sure enough as you turn you will almost always be faced with an irritated person who, already frustrated by the fact that they must evidently be expected to make a nearly 180 degree turn to use these parking spaces, will proceed to glare angrily at you because you have further inconvenienced them. Before you back up to let them go on their way, however, it is important to remember to check your rear-view mirror for the agitated truck owner behind you who, regardless of space available to them, will not be backing up to allow you such luxury. Another circle around the parking lot should do the trick.
Another important parking lot hazard to watch for is what I like to call the “20-yard line buzzard.” This is that shopper who will do absolutely anything to obtain a parking spot as closed to handicapped parking as they can get without actually handicapping themselves. Notorious especially in Walmart parking lots, these determined detriments to society are well known for their signature technique of backing up the line of waiting cars into the interstate while they wait for the suburban in the spot they want to vacate the premises so they can usurp the position. Minor details, such as the suburban’s obvious lack of room to move without hitting the buzzard’s car, or the deafening chorus of car horns behind them are irrelevant to this shopper’s agenda because obviously, these are other people’s problems. They’ll be damned if they have to park far enough from the door that they’re winded by the time they get there. These not-so-gentle giants frequently weigh in excess of three hundred pounds, and live primarily on a diet of empty carbs, daytime TV dramas and the souls of the innocent. They aren’t dangerous until provoked, however, so when attempting to maneuver around them after they’ve parked, it’s often best to allow these land-manatees to shuffle on through into the air-conditioning.
Once you’ve finally located your parking spot which is usually somewhere between the parking lot’s filling station and Narnia, you will encounter your next challenge: Cart selection. You will eventually come to accept a simple fact of life when it comes to shopping carts, and that fact is that there are three types of carts which exist at grocery stores: Carts with broken wheels, carts with broken wheels that make irritating noises you will never be able to fix, and carts which other shoppers have gotten to before you. You will always end up with the broken cart, despite all precautions. This is something you must accept. So when choosing your wire-frame nemesis for each new shopping adventure, there are some important features you must take into consideration. Feature number one to check for is child-seat basket condition. This small fold-out compartment at the front of the cart is actually intended for children, however the majority of shoppers with children have long since learned that it’s much easier to blatantly ignore their child’s screams of undisciplined fury when they aren’t positioned directly in front of their faces. As such, the seat has become more widely known as the spot you use for bread and eggs. It is therefore important to make sure that this compartment opens and shuts easily, and that both the wire frame and the plastic cover aren’t harboring any foreign sticky substances of questionable origin.
The second most important feature to check your cart for is maneuverability. When deep within the reaches of the produce sections or razor-thin aisles, it’s important that you be able to avoid obstacles as you shop. A shopper’s cart is constantly threatened by a menagerie of hazards such as spilled or toppled products, upended cereal boxes, or other people’s children. It’s important that your cart not have a severe pull to one side or the other, and must be able to make a complete 180 degree turn in the space of a store aisle for that inevitable moment when you realize that you’re not going to exit that side because the Brady Bunch has decided to occupy the entire width of your aisle, and the next two over. It is also important to note that, while not particularly threatening while on foot, the aforementioned land manatees have now gained possession of the store’s entire fleet of scooter carts and are mobile. Pushing top speeds of between three to five miles an hour, these cart-commanding cannonballs of sweat and bitterness won’t stop for any reason that doesn’t involve placing food into the cart, so prepare for evasive maneuvers.
Now that your cart is selected, you’re ready to go. Once you realize that you’ve once again forgotten to make a shopping list, you’ll probably decide that it isn’t worth it to battle the parking lot again and press on from memory. Now, when it comes to actually choosing which groceries to purchase and how many of each item, there’s a bit of confusion involved. There’s an old saying that you shouldn’t grocery shop while you’re hungry, because you’ll either buy too much or you’ll get nothing but junk food. While there is more than likely some truth in this, you’ll also find that when you shop when you aren’t hungry, you’ll bring home a bunch of food which you’ll later look at when you’re famished and wonder why the hell you bought all this crap. Either that, or you’ll underestimate your weekly or bi-weekly needs in terms of food and run out by the weekend (but never before you’ve managed to spend all that money you thought you’d saved on thrifty shopping). Instead, always shop on a mildly empty stomach. If you’re hungry, you know what you’re hungry for and what you actually want.
This is where things get interesting. Do you want pasta on Wednesday night, or do you want the lower-effort instant gratification of a Hungry Man TV dinner? Should Thursday be seasoned chicken breast with steamed vegetables, or should you buy four boxes of Tony Chachere’s Jambalaya mix and a stick of summer sausage? What exactly is the difference between Oscar Meyer and the bologna with the wax ring you have to peel off the sides, and why does the wax stuff cost so much less? All important questions. It’s best to take it aisle by aisle and decide as you go along. The dairy aisle. You need sandwich meat and milk. Preferably a gallon with an expiration date which isn’t conveniently set to four days before you actually need it for something. Canned food aisle? Canned soup is a trap. Half of a meal for the price of dinner with leftovers. No, you don’t need the Dr. Pepper 20-can pack. How did you get to the snack aisle? Might as well choose some chips. Maybe later, though, because right now the girl who’s stocking the drinks on the other side of the aisle is judging you for being here. Back to the pasta aisle. Keep walking, you still don’t need the Dr. Pepper 20-pack. Pasta sauce is expensive, boxed rice dinners are cheap. Decision made. Bread aisle time. Always choose store brand, with the thin slices. You get more sandwiches, and they don’t expect people to buy the store brand so they’re jacked up with enough preservatives that they could probably be survive a deep-space exploration mission before they mold. Bypass meats for now because a motor-cart is lurking nearby. Maybe you do need that Dr. Pepper 20-pack. How are you back in the snack aisle again? Oh well, the judgmental stocker girl is gone now. Grab your Doritos quickly and move on. Also, swallow your pride and pick up that buy one get one free coupon hanging there. There’s nothing undignified about getting a free bag of chips. And you’d better get one now, because when the scooter-cart pilot stops by here she’s going to pluck the whole stack so she can haggle with the cashier.
As you can clearly see, there are a lot of complicated thought processes that occur whilst shopping. However, none of these are quite as important a decision to your weekly life than the decision you will make in the cereal aisle. Choosing which box or boxes of cereal to purchase is a decision which will alter both your satisfaction in your morning meals, and those you choose to have while watching Top Gear reruns on History Channel at two in the morning. Once you have chosen, however, there is no going back on that decision and you’re stuck with it. You could throw it out, but that stuff is expensive. You have to ask yourself important questions. Brand-name, or store brand? Box, or bag? Should you go the mature route and just buy some raisin bran or corn flakes? Will the woman down the aisle judge you when you pass by with a box of Cookie Crisp in your cart? Can you muster a poker face at the register as the cashier lifts a brow at the “Kid Tested, Mother Approved!” branded brightly on the front of your box of Kix Berries? Is there a good enough excuse to buy Lucky Charms while the child next to you wails like a banshee because her mother just turned down that same box?
Finally, make your way to the check-out line. In Walmart stores, with the regular influx of people being so large, they have invested in self-check stations. The lines for these are rarely as long, if there are lines at all, and one might be deceived into thinking that they’re simply a faster way to check out. Or perhaps it’s that each check station area is assigned its very own self-check Nazi, usually a particularly disgruntled employee who wasn’t blessed with the social skills to be a greeter. The truth of the matter, however, is that these machines are evil. They scan poorly, they insist you touch everything to a plastic pad which rarely manages to deactivate the security device in whatever is in your bag that’s about to make you the center of everyone’s attention, and heaven forbid you’ve decided on a selection of produce, because now you have codes to punch in (which are usually wrong). It’s like a phone number, except more complicated because if it were a phone number it would likely be 1-800-Just-Scan-My-Damn-Canteloupe.
H-E-B, however, has no such luxury. They don’t believe in that do-it-yourself nonsense, and are determined to provide you with face-to-face customer service. So it’s time to find a lane and prepare to wait. One thing you will learn quickly is that, in the check out lane, there are few safe places to leave your gaze. While waiting for the person in line ahead of you to fish stacks of coupons which may or may not be outdated from their purse or wallet, you can’t just stare at them. So you must find another place to look. Unfortunately, due to some kind of poor design flaw, the majority of the box which makes up the lane is wallpapered with trashy tabloid magazines with a wide array of poor choices on their covers. Also, unfortunately for you, judgmental stocker girl from the snack aisle has returned and is now your cashier, so the last thing you want to do is solidify her preconceived image of you by letting her catch you accidentally catching up on the latest Hollywood divorce gossip or staring at a picture of some actress or model’s half-exposed boobs. Staring straight ahead is rarely a good option either, because aside from adding that look of impatience, it’s rude to stare at the total amount being shelled out by the customer in front of you. Decide it’s best to appear very contemplative about what kind of candy bar or pack of gum you’d like to purchase. She was already on your case about chips, it shouldn’t make matters too much worse to tack a Hershey bar or pack of Trident on top of that. Especially since you have no intention of purchasing candy, so when you decide not to it’ll just look that much better. Make little eye-contact as she scans your items, looking somewhere between bored, irritated and shoot me. Pretend to be very interested in how much you’ve spent, as if you have a ridiculously tight budget.
When all that’s over and the cart is loaded up with your bags, return to your car. Remember that the law which gives pedestrians the sanctity of a crosswalk is only a myth in parking lots. Assuming you reach your car safely, head back to the safety of your house/apartment/den/man cave and store them away. Make the decision not to go back for whatever you’ve inevitably forgotten. It’s not that important anyway. Crack open a Dr. Pepper and enjoy what’s left of your evening.
-The Sarcastic Soul-
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